Saturday 20th March - 13 Stone 11 Pounds

I am very pleased that I have lost a further 2 pounds this week. This diet experiment I am doing seems to be a real boost for the weight loss which is nice. I am aware though that this experiment isn't going to be lasting too long as such... I have another week of the first phase, and then when I am in the UK for a week, I will be off the diet and probably eating all sorts of naughty easter things as well as dairy, wheat, red meat, caffeine etc.. So we shall see how things go.

March Picture

I have been very lax with my tasks and so I thought I had better catch up with the March headshot, which I took today.

Signing off.

Monday 15th March 2010 - 13 Stone 13 Pounds - BMI 32.4

Again, I have left it a little while to post on here and so it is time to update again. As you can see from the title, I have lost a few more pounds and I have now managed to get under the 14 stone mark, which is fantastic... I just have to keep up the momentum and stay on track. I am very pleased that I have lost more weight now, and it is a sense of achievement to say I'm 13 stone something... even though this is still largely overweight and obese, it is a whole lot better than 15 stone which was my starting figure. So in context, even though I am still obese, I am 15 pounds lighter than I was in August.

It has taken me a while to get to this point and my progress is not as good as I had originally hoped. I had hoped to average 1 pound a week which means I should have lost around 25 pounds by now, so I am a bit behind schedule. But I guess if it had been easy, then I would have done it before.

Diet Experiment

I have been lent a book about Menstrual Cramps and how to manage them which, even though I have not read it cover to cover (its too much like a text book!), I have taken parts of it on board. It explains that a lot of what we eat can contribute to the severity of the monthy cramps and if we take those things out of the diet then many women have found their monthly nightmare to be more manageable. I have been off the Pill for 1 year 3 months now, and I used homeopathy to assist my cycle and cramps and got to a stage where they were quite manageable. However the last 6 months have not been good and I have reverted back to my old ways of having an absolutely horrid time. So it was time for me to look at it again. I have started taking my homeopathic remedies again, but I have also decided to experiment with my diet.

The book explains that caffeine, wheat, cow dairy, sugar and certain red meats can all contribute negatively to the monthly cramps. I have decided to experiment with my diet to see if I can relieve any of my symptoms. For 4 weeks in March I am cutting out all of the above mentioned items. This is a big thing to undertake, but I view it as only temporary and as an experiment. I then intend to introduce one of them each month and record how I am affected each month. Hopefully I will be able to note which foods make me more prone to suffering than others. I do not intend to cut them all out of my diet forever, although that is what is recommended by many people anyway, but I want to see if there is a particular culprit which makes things worse for me and then I can work on keeping that out of my diet.

This experiment is a complete turn around for me as 90% of my normal diet has been cut out. However, I have found ways round them and I will share with you a few of them.

Breakfast

I normally eat cereal (usually wheat) with milk for breakfast. My cereals are reduced (I discovered that even bran is wheat!), but worse still, I can't have any cow's milk. I have tried soya milk and goats milk and both are just plain nasty to me..... so I have opted to eat fruit for breakfast, making a fruit salad most mornings. Other than that, I make porridge with water instead of milk. The problem with porridge is that I traditionally like it very sweet... as I'm not allowed sugar in a refined form I cannot even have jam, syrup, sugar etc.. I am not interested in sweetners as I think they are all poison anyway. I am allowed maple syrup as it is a pure natural, unrefined product, but that is expensive, and I am trying to avoid that (it's nearly 9 euros a bottle). I have found at the local health food shop, a fruit spread (aka jam) which has no sugar, but is sweetened by apple juice. This is a bit tangy, but is sweet enough to make the porridge bearable.

Lunch

I have started to make vegetable soups at home in the evenings and I take these to work with me for lunch. I eat Ryvita with them, and also some bigilla (a maltese paste/dip made of broad beans, garlic, olive oil etc.) Or I eat some rice.

Dinner

No pasta - but I have found a pasta made with rice flour... when eaten by itself it is very bizzare experience as you think you are eating pasta (as it looks like pasta) but it tastes just like rice... but when you eat it with a sauce, its no different! I also found spaghetti made with spelt.

No red meat - we have been off most red meats for a while as Matthew is not supposed to have them for his diet. But we have cut them out altogether at the moment, leaving just chicken and fish.

I have had to make significant sacrifices in the snack area though... no chocolate (as chocolate contains caffeine and sugar), no sweets, no sugar, no tea (even if I had decaf tea, I cant have milk, and hate black tea). I have therefore turned to eating nuts at work as my snacks and have found some organic oat bars which are sweetened with grape juice instead of sugar.

I have been doing this for 2 weeks now, and it must be this that has contributed to the loss of weight now. I intend to carry on for 2 more weeks and then I will introduce one of the items back into my diet etc.. It has been difficult, especially when the girls at work are all making home made easter sweets and keep insisting I try them (I have resisted!).

Stress/Comfort Eating

I have made a particular effort with comfort eating at the moment (the above experiment has the structure and discipline to help with this). When I received a phone call in February from Mum to say that she thinks her cancer has come back, I got off the phone and polished off a whole box of Ferero Roche...and felt sick with it (but a familiar, comforting sick).... that was giving in to my comfort eating and I was so aware of it.. but felt the urge following the very upsetting news.

Following the 2nd phone call which confirmed the cancer and where it was and the future to come, I was in a position where I would normally turn to food. But, I didn't. I had started my diet experiment and wanted to stick with it. I could have given myself an excuse to delay the experiment, but the whole point about my comfort eating is that there is always a valid reason for it. I will never challenge myself or change if I always give in to it, no matter how hard the circumstances leading to the desire to eat. So I made my mind up not to get that pizza and chips, not to buy the entire shop out of chocolate etc.. and I did it. I felt the need, and sadly, I didn't quite find anything that replaced the comfort in the same way that food does. Having said that, I had (and still have) tremendous support from Matthew and my family, so I was comforted and supported. I noticed the gap left which would have been the food ministering to me, but it did not cause me enough problem that I gave in to it.

This, to me, is an incredible achievement. Its probably the first time I have ever stood up to it and denied the desire. It was a very low moment, not just a 'I feel fat today' or 'the dog doesn't love me anymore' kind of problem, but one which could turn anybody to food for comfort, not just someone which a comfort eating problem.

I am not thinking that I have now cracked my problem, and I am sure I will always crave it... and will probably give in from time to time.. but I now know that I can do it.

Apologies for the very long post, but it has been a while!

Signing off.

Wednesday 10th February - 14 Stone 2 Pounds

I have been very lazy with posting on my blog this year... so much for new years resolutions and all that.

To be honest, I am finding it a little difficult to know what to post about, as I do not seem to be making much progress with this whole thing. I have delved a little bit deeper into the beginnings of things, and I have tried to cut out the obsessive eating at work (which I have mostly done), and I guess I am slowly but surely losing weight - although not dramatically and not on the steady, constant scale I was aiming for. But now I feel a bit stuck... where to from here?

February Photo

Here is the photo of me taken on 1st February. I have received some comments about the fact that I look like I have lost some weight.... as the comments have come from a couple of different quarters, then I guess I have to take it on board that I look different. I have lost 10 pounds, but I could not see any difference myself. I have started to dress a little differently in so far as I am now wearing things which cover my bottom (the cold necessitated this gravitation of my clothing)... I had previously not done this as cardigan covered bottoms tend to look gigantic... but I guess people thought my bottom was gigantic before, coz now I am wearing longer clothing, they are saying I look thinner. What can you say about that!?

But I think perhaps my face may be looking a little better than before. However hard I find to admit it. I say it is hard to admit because when you can't see the difference yourself, it can actually be a bit of a hard compliment to accept... let me explain.... you don't see yourself any different and you look at yourself thinking you are as fat as ever... then someone says 'wow you look much thinner' and the first thought that comes to mind (for me anyway) is 'so I must have looked a whole lot fatter before?!'... which makes you feel worse as you already thought you were still the same fatness, but now have to contend with thinking you were even fatter..... its weird because it should be a compliment you take so happily and being grateful you are not as fat as before, but then these unhelpful thoughts about how fat people thought you were before sit there like a 'sbd' fart... slowly choking you...

But I have now decided that I must be looking a little better and have decided not to accept these unhelpful thoughts (or try really hard not to)... and take encouragement from my peer's observations.

I have also bought myself a pair of size 16 jeans... knowing full well that I don't fit into them yet.. (nowhere near actually)... but I wanted to get myself a really nice pair in the January sales so that when I am ready to wear them, I don't have to pay out a whole load of dosh for them. They are also a motivation for me. I want to try them on every 2 or 3 weeks to motivate me into trying harder to fit into them. I have to shift quite a bit of weight around my thighs and bottom first. My waist itself isn't that bad (I accidentally bought a size 14 skirt in the sales and I can wear it, although being a bit uncomfortable)... its just my hips, bottom and thighs which are the most bulbous!

So I guess I have done some pondering over my weight issues over the last few weeks, even though it hasn't felt like it... At the moment, I am not 100% sure I will hit my target of being a size 14 in October... it seems, right now, like a huge slippery mountain to climb and I am only equipped with flip flops.... Oh well.. we shall see.

Signing off.

Saturday 16th January 2010 - 14 Stone 2 Pounds

I have lost a couple of pounds this week which is good. I was expecting to lose something as I have tried quite hard to get back into the routine of not snacking on the naughties which people take into work. I feel I am back on track a little bit which has helped to stabalise my mind about going forward.

It has been a bit hard this week as it was Matthew's birthday and so we went out for dinner and we have birthday cake sitting around the house just waiting to be eaten (and its been so long since I cooked a gingerbread that I just couldn't resist). So I am pleased with 2 pounds drop and think it could probably have been more if I had not had a birthday to contend with.

I was reminded this week about the mentality of dieting and looking for excuses to eat if you are not really dedicated and focused. It is also a sign of the times in terms of advertising brain-washing. Someone brought a packet of biscuits into the office and when I stood talking to them when making a cup of tea, they took 3 biscuits out of the packet. This person is on a diet and has a specific target to meet due to her getting married in about 6 weeks time. She is having to be quite strict with herself but she really is not all that interested in keeping to it. Even going down a dress size for the wedding is not quite motivation enough as her lifestyle of eating is very much ingrained. Anyway, when she took 3 biscuits out of the packet (which she actually brought in), I told her to put 2 back and only have 1 biscuit; I reminded her of the looming wedding. Her instant reaction and defence was 'they are diet biscuits'. This was very true - they were 'diet' biscuits in terms of having a lower sugar count (hate to think what else they put in as a replacement), but a biscuit in itself is not diet food. I agreed that there may be less calories in these biscuits than others, but pointed out that they still have a lot more calories than she needs right now and certainly by taking 3 she was tripling that unnecessary total of calories. She saw my point and conceded into only taking 1 biscuit.

I know it might seem nasty to have said these things to her, but she has asked for our support in her weight loss and we had all agreed not to take things into the office - a rule which she broke first.

These advertising genius' who came up with the idea to make excessive purchases/consumation acceptable by making you think you are saving something must be billionaires by now. Buy 2 and get 3rd at half price...... I actually went into a shop once with a similar deal as that on some clothing and bought 2 items.. the shop assistant pointed out the offer and I said no - she could not comprehend it... most people run off to the rack and spend that extra money just to feel like they have saved money. I've had an argument with a guy in the cinema trying to sell me a large soft drink. I wanted a regular size, but he said it was only 20p more for a large one. I said no thanks and he actually argued with me saying what is 20p when you can have a much larger drink? Its only 20p. Look at the value you are getting for 20p. But I wanted a regular sized drink and wanted to keep my 20p, much to his annoyance. I do fall for these offers myself - I am certainly not immune to them.

But with dieting it seems a bit like a sick joke. On one hand you can see the manufacturers are trying to help you reduce your calorie intake by making 'diet' products... but then on the other hand, they advertise them in such a way that it makes you think you can eat more of them because they are diet. Which totally defeats the point. No wonder there are thousands of dieters out there who don't really understand why their weight loss is not as good as it should be... they think its okay to have 3 biscuits rather than 1 because they are diet. I know it is up to the individual to think these things through... but we are so conditioned to accept advertising... these adverts go into our subconcious on a different level and it is hard to battle it.

So it was a reminder to me that just because certain items are 'diet', it doesn't mean to say that (1) I have to eat them, (2) that they are any better for me and (3) that I can have more of them.

Signing off.

Thoughts about the beginning of the problem

I have given some thought to what I feel has contributed towards my comfort eating and have previously written some things down. I now feel the time has come to share these thoughts on my blog, even though they are quite personal. Warning - this post will be quite long, so go and make yourself a cuppa tea, grab a packet of digestives and get comfortable before progressing.

Comfort eating, death of a dream:- the early beginnings.

I have given some thought to the beginnings of my comfort eating, or at least where I think the beginnings are at the moment. I want to discuss what happened, how I felt and how I associate comfort eating to those things.

To start from before the beginning I have to record that I have always had a sweet tooth and it wasn't hard to motivate me to eat sweets and so forth. I suppose I had a predisposition to sweet things and my comfort eating is perhaps as a result of that weakness. Had things gone differently for me then this weakness would not have developed into what it is today. But things did happen and we cannot dwell on the 'what ifs'.

The beginning starts when I am aged 14 and I discover a small hole at the top of my bottom crack, which shouldn't, by any stretch, be there. This hole was a pilonidal sinus which is common in hairy men who sit down a lot (often known as 'drivers bum'). How I managed to develop this problem has always been a mystery but just one of those things I guess. A pilonidal sinus is essentially an ingrown hair gone wrong. The hair ingrows and a small hole forms which is like a small cavern which fills up with liquid. These things do not go away by themselves, they just burrow in deeper. A small operation is needed to excise the hole. The wound is left open and new tissue grows back and eventually heals up after about a month to six weeks depending on the size.

I was scheduled for my operation when I was 14 and I had to see the district nurse everyday to have the wound packed with a material which encouraged growth. To fast forward a bit the operation was not successful and I didn't heal. I was scheduled for another operation, then another, then another. I had 4 operations over 4 years. The final one was performed by a different surgeon and was successful.

So, what should have been a minor operation with up to 6 weeks to fully recover, actually turned into a 4 year prolonged saga. Given I was 14 when this all started and 17 when it was over, it interrupted both my GCSE's and my A Levels, not to mention interrupting the normal progress of a teenager in a senstive age range.

As I had a wound at the top of my bottom crack, it was uncomfortable to sit down, and especially for any length of time. It was difficult to walk long distances and full blown sports or exercise was simply not possible. The pain would affect my concentration and school was difficult to sustain. I had large chunks off school at the beginning of each operation and then my attendance was a bit sketchy with me having a few short days when I couldn't cope any longer. There was always a discomfort, always a background pain. I had to visit the nurses regularly to have it packed and lots of trips to doctors and hospital and so forth. These are just some of the physical things I was dealing with.

For my GCSE's the school had to apply to the examination boards for special consideration for me as my physical condition would affect my exams (as I couldn't comfortably sit down for 3 hours) and also my coursework as I had missed a significant amount of school. It disrupted my A Levels but to a lesser degree (I missed an interim Law GCSE). By the time I sat my A Level exams I was finally fully recovered.

It was a decidedly difficult time. I was trying to lead a normal teenage life and it was curtailed by this. There are two things associated with this time which relates to my comfort eating and lack of motivation to exercise. No. 1 is my school friends at that time and No. 2 is the sport issue. I will take one at a time.

1. My school friends. I was part of a group of girls at school and even though I was always a bit different and a bit on the edge of the group, we always got on well and they were my security at school. For my first operation I received a certain amount of sympathy and support. What you could expect from 14 year old girls I suppose. This was fine and I appreciated it. However, the more operations I had, the less sympathetic they were. Nobody was keeping my seat warm so to speak and my frequent absence from school led to me being even more on the outside of the group. When I was at school it seemed all ok and I don't think I really put my finger on anything out of the ordinary as such. But their absence in my life when I was out of school was really quite obvious to me.

One day I received a phone call from one of my friends and she told me that the others had been talking about me and how they thought I was being pathetic and stupid as I was wasting valuable time out of school in our GCSE year. They were scornful of me and thought I was freeloading. This was very upsetting for me. I was already upset that there was no support, no interest in me, but to then receive this report was a complete dagger to the chest. I was dumbfounded that they had not given a single thought as to what I was actually going through, as if this was something I wanted and was taking advantage of it. I was 16 at this point and just had my 3rd operation.

I suppose looking back as an adult I could say that at aged 16 these girls wouldn't really be capable of lateral thinking and compassion. And I guess I shouldn't have been so surprised, but you tend to expect others to be the same as you - I was a mature 16 year old and capable of thinking about others, putting myself in others shoes and of compassion.

To me I couldn't believe how selfish they were, how ignorant and how callous they were. These were supposed to be my FRIENDS. People who cared, who look out for each other. But I slipped through the net and nobody caught me. And all they could do was to criticise me for being sick.

I felt completely rejected by my school friends and felt quite lonely. I did have other friends - my church friends - who loved and cared for me throughout my operations and they are my true friends. And it goes without saying that my family were always there for me. So I wasn't completely without support or friends but this loss of my school friends was still a significant blow when peers and friendships are so important at that age. I thought they cared for me, thought I meant something to them.

I didn't confront any of them about this. When I was at school I still sat with them, spent time with them, but I was an outsider from their perspective and also from mine. The mental distance grew and grew.

I felt betrayed by them; when I needed them the most they were not there. My role in the group had always been a supportive shoulder, a confidant, the one they turned to in turmoil, the security, the empathiser. But when the tables were turned and I was in need, nobody stepped up to the plate for me.

It is said that a crisis always shows your true friends. I was in personal crisis and my girls were shown up for what they truly were. And disappointingly, it wasn't what I expected. My true friends, my church friends, were there and I still love them very much and still friends 15 years later. They did help to ease this transition with my school friends but it was still hard.

2. Sports/Exercise. I was a sporty person (believe it or not!), and loved PE and team games. I even chose PE as a GCSE. This sinus put a stop to pretty much all exercise, even walking. This affected my GCSE a lot as half of the PE exam was practical and as I couldn't participate at all, my teachers had to guess my skill and submit that to the exam board.

I was a keen sprinter and was one of the best in my year. I was that annoying person who could turn their hand to most sports and be quite good. I was the one who was always entered into nearly every sports day event. I loved it. I was in football teams, netball teams etc..

I had an ambition to compete in the olympics and it was something I was keen on and convinced I would do. I wanted to compete as an athlete in the 100 and 200 metre sprints and maybe long jump as well as that was another favourite of mine. I am not convinced that I would have made that dream come true, but I would have tried and then perhaps failed in the normal way, or perhaps even made it. But life intervened and the dream died a slow death over a couple of years. I knew I would never make it after 2 operations had gone by as I was then very unfit and starting to put on weight and not had any training in the most important years. It was gutting to know I'd never make it and all because of the stupid sinus which my surgeon couldn't get rid of.

But it wasn't just the death of the olympic dream that bothered me, but the whole inactivity thing. I loved sport and games and I simply couldn't do them anymore. It was torture to watch others play the games and participate. It was made worse by the fact that I had PE lessons regularly as I had opted for that GCSE. As I couldn't participate I was always called on to help set up or referee. I had to watch everyone else doing what I so badly wanted to do.

I remember one particular instance with sharp definition. We were in the trampolining module. I loved trampolining and I was good at it. It was another sport I wanted to get more into. So each lesson we would be trampolining. I had to be involved to be on the edges in case someone fell. I had never felt such a desire to do something so badly and equally felt so gutted that I couldn't do it. Each bounce, each person, it was soul destroying to watch it..so soul destroying.

A part of me died then, during that whole time. I lost any and all motivation to exercise, to get into sports. It disappeared and I can't find it anymore. Something was taken away from me and I found it very hard to come to terms with that loss.

Both of these reasons contributed towards my turn to food for comfort. There was also the practical side - I wasn't exercising and so it was inevitable that I would put weight on. It was in these 4 years that I developed my comfort eating. I felt betrayed, rejected and lonely because of my school friends and one of my true joys was taken away from me. What was left to do but sit around and eat. It made me feel better.

I associate comfort eating with rejection, loneliness and grief. I was grieving over many things during those 4 years. Over my adult years it has become a habit and I rely on eating in any and all times of stress. It is always constant, never failing me, always there and it can never be taken away from me.

I suppose I have not fully come to terms with the whole thing. Why it had to happen like it did, why me, how it could have been different. It still seems all very unfair.

Now it may seem like these are mountains out of mole-hills.... I suffered no great tradegy - I had some good friends, a whole family who loved me, and all I experienced was some disillusionment about some teenage girlfriends and coped with inactivity and lack of exercise for a few years.... viewed through someone elses eyes I can see how these things may appear trivial or hardly something to cry home to mummy about - suck it up and get over it.... but viewed through my eyes... my emotions... my perspective.... it was something in my life which left its mark. Another person may have come out of the same experiences without any scarring... but I will not deny how I feel about it, that it did leave a mark and that even if it seems pathetic to some, it was most important to me.

I do not profess to have suffered any worse than the next person... but each person has a different story.. and this is mine.

Signing off.

Monday 4th January 2010 - Getting Back To It

As you will see, my last post was way back in November. Even though I started this thing with the best intentions to keep the blog up every week, I failed - abysmally. But the new year always has a way of motivating you to pull your socks up and start things afresh. I had not really fallen off the wagon so to speak, but just had not kept up with the blog. With the Christmas run up, I had not expected to lose any weight, but expected to put on weight as I didn't want to deny myself at Christmas. If you can't eat well at Christmas, when can you eat?

Now that Christmas is over and I am now only about 10 months away from my deadline, it is time for me to concentrate again on this whole thing. Last year I had not really delved into myself that much... although I did do a bit of thinking. I had ignored what I had wanted to look at - the root of my problem. I procrastinated so much that I lost motivation and stopped really trying.

So it was with a heavy heart that I decided to step on the scales this morning to see what the damage is. It was a great surprise to see that I am 14 Stone 4 pounds.... I have put on 1 pound in the last month or so! It is very encouraging (although I am aware the christmas tyre may be delayed a little).

We still have various things left over from Christmas and so will give myself another week to really get back into the flow of things, but wanted to post on here that I am back.

Picture for December

Back to the tasks - I missed the picture for December, but I have found a photo taken of me on 17th December, so this one will have to do.


Picture for January

Here is my picture for January. I have picked a picture of me when we went out on New Years Eve wearing a bright wig - I like the way I look in this wig (is that vain of me?) and so will be looking for more excuses to wear it..... I feel a fancy-dress party coming on for my birthday.

I will sign off now as I do not want this post to go on forever, but will post again soon.

Thanks for sticking with me.

Signing off.

Saturday 14th November - 14 Stone 3 Pounds

Urrrrmmm, I have lost 3 pounds this week! Apart from the first week, this has been the best weight loss week so far.... but I don't really recall making an extra effort. I guess everything fell right this week; I attended my exercise/yoga class, ate more fruit and got back into the habit of normal dinners again.

I am really pleased and this will boost my motivation to keep going.... Just 3 more pounds until I hit 13 and that will feel wonderful.

Although I am wondering a little - my clothes don't really feel any different. I've noticed my jeans are little looser than before, but thats the only thing. I guess the 11 pounds lost so far have come off all over, rather than in one place, which is good as I would prefer it that way, but you would think if I was approaching nearly a stone lost that I would feel the benefit and start to look a bit different. But I'm not complaining - far from it.

I am looking forward to the day when I can safely say I am a size 18 rather than a 20 (up top, as I'm size 18 on the bottom anyway).

So, I need to go out and buy another item of make-up as a reward, and I owe my money jar 15 Euros.

Red

I went to see Tom Jones in concert tonight and thought it a good opportunity to wear my new red top (see previous post). I asked Matthew to take some photo's of me with it on, so once he has uploaded them (and trusting that they aren't hideous), I will post a picture of what I look like. Don't hold your breath and expect me to look like the lovely model in the picture below, coz that just aint gonna happen yet. (TJ was fab, and rocking it at 69!)

I got it into my head during the week that I would like a pair of cropped satin trousers (black) to go with the new red top, which I would wear with some nice heels for going out. I went and tried a pair on and realised that I had got a little bit ahead of myself. Once I get rid of bottom spare tyre (the real pot belly), I will think about it again... the satin trousers don't forgive you anything and show you for what you are... and I was disappointed. But nevermind.. I'm quite happy with my black jeans which hold me in and hide wobbly bits, so they will have to do. The glamour will have to wait a stone or two.

Signing off.