Saturday 14th November - 14 Stone 3 Pounds

Urrrrmmm, I have lost 3 pounds this week! Apart from the first week, this has been the best weight loss week so far.... but I don't really recall making an extra effort. I guess everything fell right this week; I attended my exercise/yoga class, ate more fruit and got back into the habit of normal dinners again.

I am really pleased and this will boost my motivation to keep going.... Just 3 more pounds until I hit 13 and that will feel wonderful.

Although I am wondering a little - my clothes don't really feel any different. I've noticed my jeans are little looser than before, but thats the only thing. I guess the 11 pounds lost so far have come off all over, rather than in one place, which is good as I would prefer it that way, but you would think if I was approaching nearly a stone lost that I would feel the benefit and start to look a bit different. But I'm not complaining - far from it.

I am looking forward to the day when I can safely say I am a size 18 rather than a 20 (up top, as I'm size 18 on the bottom anyway).

So, I need to go out and buy another item of make-up as a reward, and I owe my money jar 15 Euros.

Red

I went to see Tom Jones in concert tonight and thought it a good opportunity to wear my new red top (see previous post). I asked Matthew to take some photo's of me with it on, so once he has uploaded them (and trusting that they aren't hideous), I will post a picture of what I look like. Don't hold your breath and expect me to look like the lovely model in the picture below, coz that just aint gonna happen yet. (TJ was fab, and rocking it at 69!)

I got it into my head during the week that I would like a pair of cropped satin trousers (black) to go with the new red top, which I would wear with some nice heels for going out. I went and tried a pair on and realised that I had got a little bit ahead of myself. Once I get rid of bottom spare tyre (the real pot belly), I will think about it again... the satin trousers don't forgive you anything and show you for what you are... and I was disappointed. But nevermind.. I'm quite happy with my black jeans which hold me in and hide wobbly bits, so they will have to do. The glamour will have to wait a stone or two.

Signing off.

Red

I have decided that I need to increase the number of red things in my wardrobe. You may have seen my earlier blog about the red dress and I thought whilst I was waiting to lose weight and have the confidence to wear a red dress, I could increase the number of red things in my wardrobe which I feel comfortable wearing now. I do have some red items like my favourite skirt, and a couple of vest tops, but generally speaking my red things are a bit lacking.

Why increase the red in my wardrobe? Because it is my favourite colour and 'why not?'. Red makes me feel good and it is a brighter, happier colour. If wearing red makes me feel good, then why not have a whole wardrobe of red?! I'm not sure I will go that far, but I have now made a start on my red wardrobe. I went out and bought a red top for going out in. The photo from the shop's website is below.

Obviously it doesn't look that good on me as I am a size 20 and she is a stick insect. My shoulders also slope away and so the top parts of the top are bit like wings and stick out a bit. But oh well, it looks presentable and I'm sure I'll get used to wearing it. It is a bit bright and shiny for me, but then I figured that I can't hide being a size 20 so why not wear what I want? I often see large women out in the pubs and clubs wearing all sorts of fashion things and even though they look the size they really are, they still look like they are enjoying wearing what they are wearing. I will not be the ONLY large woman out there, so why not brow beat my insecurities a little and walk out with confidence in a bright red, shiny top? Ok, there is the risk I will look a bit silly, but at the moment that's a risk I am willing to take.

That is my little bit of retail therapy for this week!

Signing off.

Saturday 7th November - 14 Stone 6 Pounds

3 naughty weeks - 2 extra pounds... nuff said. Back to discipline on Monday!

Signing off.

Saturday 31st October - 14 Stone 4 Pounds

I have managed to maintain my weight again this week, so that is a good thing. I have been lax in my discipline in eating properly so it is good to see that I can maintain my weight having had 3 naughty weeks.

It is time for my picture for November, so here it is:

I have not really been recording my steps on my pedometer this week as Mum and Dad are here with me and my routine is out of the window. I am also enjoying lots of naughty foods so will happily blame M&D if I put on weight this week ;-) .

Anyway, have to rush off now.

Signing off.

Saturday 24th October - 14 Stone 4 Pounds

I am very pleased with this week's results. I have not put on any weight! Considering that I have eaten MANY bad things this week, I am pleasantly suprised by the maintenance of the weight.

I have finally got my pedometer and I was so excited about it! Sadly, my brain has not quite caught up with the fact that I own a pedometer as I keep forgetting to put it on. I wore it at work on Friday and counted roughly 5,500 steps. I have forgotten to wear it today, so must think hard about it in the morning so I can start the next day fresh.

I started my exercise class last Tuesday and I really enjoyed it. Some light aerobics to begin with, a bit of weight work, and then onto yoga and then some relaxation. It suited me down to the ground and I am looking forward to my next class. Who would have thought I would ever say that about exercising. I'm not very good at it yet, but practice makes perfect!

Signing Off.

Red Dress

I would probably say that Red is my favourite colour. It is certainly a colour I am drawn to and feel comfortable with. Its strange how important colour is in our lives - it makes all the difference to how we feel about things. It helps us with identification in a number of ways, from practical things, to messages we want to send out. Black and white alone appears to be 2-dimensional, and so colour brings things to life. The study of colour in its full depth is something I have not done, but I am fascinated by colour and how it influences our life.

As I mentioned before, the colour red is something which I like and am drawn to. I find it strange that I should be drawn to red as it is tends to represent a lot of things which I am not... perhaps opposite attraction is at work here.

Anyway, the reason I have started this narrative is because I have always wanted to own a red dress. I have always like the song 'Lady in Red' and associate the lady in red with confidence, mixed with a bit of mystery and charm. Being the size I am has always inhibited me to go out and buy a red dress, because red really makes you stick out and I haven't been ready to stick out like a big red beach ball just yet.

However, when I reach my goal of size 14, I want to wear a red dress and feel good about it. So I have started looking online now for a red dress. I have a year to find the one dress that will be perfect for me and I want to spend my time looking for the right dress. I will be scouring the online shops for that coveted red dress so I can absorb all the different types and styles. I hate going into salon style shops as I hate being pestered by the shop assistants, especially if all I want to do is just look around. Going into shops to find evening/party dresses has always been an issue for me as most of these places only cater for the smaller sized woman - rarely do they go up to size 16, let alone size 18-20 etc.. I always feel funny just looking at these dresses as I feel like everyone is looking at me and thinking 'you are too fat for these'. Another insecurity! So online shopping is a blessing for me, even though it has its disadvantages. But I intend to look around at dresses periodically to see if I find a style I like and then I can always look for something similar when I reach size 14 and feel allowed to be in the posh salons/boutiques.

So if anyone knows of any good websites for nice party/evening dresses, please let me know!

Signing off.

Saturday 17th October - 14 Stone 4 pounds

I have lost another 2 pounds this week, so I am nicely suprirsed! My pedometer has arrived in Malta and I have to pick it up this week. So I will start recording my steps this week.

Now that I have the laptop back I can post my photo for October... even though its nearly 3 weeks late! Oh well... here it is.

So I really hope I can keep up the weight loss momentum!

Signing off.

Saturday 10th October – 14 Stone 6 Pounds

Yay! I have lost another 2 pounds, against all expectations as last week was a bit of a naughty week. I’m sure it will catch up with me this week, but I guess that’s ok – I have to pay the price of being naughty. I am late posting this week as our laptop has been in the repair shop. That also means I haven’t been able to post a picture of me yet either (will do so soon).

I have taken a few steps forward this week and have ordered my pedometer! I am waiting for it to arrive at the moment but hope to get it soon. I hope to have it on me most of the time to record my daily steps and try and improve on it.

I have also found an exercise class to attend on a weekly basis. A colleague from work attends a small class in someone’s basement (5 or 6 people in a class) which is a combination of cardio, pilates and yoga. I had wanted to do this for ages but her class has been full. However, this week we were discussing it at work again and 3 others at work showed an interest. So we got in touch with the lady giving the classes and as she would have another full class she has agreed to run another day! So hopefully this will start next week. Matthew intends to come with me when his shifts allow so that’s good too. It is something which I am quite keen about (even though I am lacking motivation to exercise) because it is a class which suits me quite well. I am not interested in an hours cardio as I simply wouldn’t cope in my present state and would not enjoy it and then not go. Yoga or pilates on their own would not be enough to help shift the pounds, and so the combination of the three things in one hour sounds good for me. I hope so anyway! I’ll let you know how it goes.

I have had a few singing lessons now and I am really starting to enjoy them. My confidence is slowly growing and I am getting good feedback from Jonathan. My pitch is accurate and he says that I have the ability to listen and focus on what I am doing. We are now working on breathing and quality of sound and resonance. We are using one particular song to practice with which is Andrew Lloyds Webber’s Memory. So I guess that this will be one of the 2 songs which I learn to sing really well as per my tasks. But this does not give you an excuse to ask me to sing Memory for you every time I see you…!

Anyway, I’m all prepared to have a bit of a bad weigh in on Saturday, but am pleased with the other progress I have made this week. And I am looking forward to getting another piece of make-up for my collection as per my rewards for another 2 pounds lost.

Signing off.

Saturday 3rd October - 14 Stone 8 Pounds

*Sigh* ....... another week on the plateau. I am pleased I haven't put on weight, but another plateau week means I have lost my organisation. Time to meditate on the subject I think and sort my thoughts.

I visited my therapist this week to discuss why I am unable to motivate myself to exercise and we did some interesting work using visuals about how I feel about certain things. We were playing with pebbles and things (I wont go into it all right now as it would be a bit long to explain). It was interesting because I had a pebble for my motivation, but we hardly touched on that... we were working on a few other things about how I feel and it reminded me that there are always reasons why we feel and behave certain ways. Sometimes you have to go off at a tangent to get to the root of the problem (hence not really touching on the actual motivation this time). So without boring you with the recesses of my mind, it has given me something to think about for a while. Hopefully I can sift through these feelings and turn them into something which moves me closer to my motivation for sport and exercise (coz it was there once upon a time).

September Picture

I am a bit behind with posting my September picture which I have painted. I actually painted it within September, but forgot to post it here. This picture was more of a doodle than anything else, but I enjoyed doing it. The central circle I enjoyed as I like colours which are intersected with lines and I still like the bright colours at the moment. It was more of a 'colouring in' thing than anything particular artistic. The items around the side are roses and the actual flower heads themselves is in a style which I learnt when I was about 8 during a project about life on the canals of Birmingham. This style of painting is sometimes used on barges (obviously much better than my attempt). I added in the stems and leaves as my own kind of addition.

All in all it is a bit random and odd, but then again, I guess all paintings say something about their creator! Anyway, here it is:

October Picture of Me

I haven't yet taken the picture of my face yet, but will do so this week, when I get my act together. Our webcam has broken so have to sort out Matthew to take a photo of me.

I am very tired at the moment, so even little things like taking a photo of me seems a real effort. How pathetic! :-/

Signing off.

Saturday 26th September - 14 Stone 8 Pounds

Well, I seem to have hit another plateau... which could be another sign that I have to start exercising now. I really must buy that pedometer! Aw shucks, I am a bit disappointed that I haven't managed to get the pedometer or started to exercise with discipline, but I guess that is all part of the learning curve. I did investigate an exercise class my colleague told me about which involves a bit of aerobics, a bit of pilates and a bit of yoga, and I was really interested in that. Unfortunately, the class is fully booked, but we (being Matthew and I) are on the waiting list should she open up another class.

Now the cooler months are here I will be able to take Sophie for longer walks (she didn't cope with the heat) and I want to start expanding my dog walking routes. Matthew and I took Sophie on a nice walk on Sunday which walked through some fields down by the valley and I may incorporate that in the walk. However, I think I will have to vary it a little as Sophie nearly pooped herself when she was greeted by one of the neighbour's pack of dogs guarding the borders of the property! It can't be comfortable for a little chihuahua to walk past a hoarde of barking and snarling dogs... who knows what they were saying to her in doggie language.

On a positive note though, I have really cut down my comfort eating at work. Quite dramatically so. I will admit that I used to eat up to 2 packets of crisps and 3 chocolate bars plus sweets on a daily basis at work with the occasional packet of cake bars and so on thrown in. This was anything from 800 - 1000 calories per day depending on what I ate! I have stopped buying all of that and I perhaps have 1 packet of crisps a week, with the only chocolate bars I eat being the slim fast low calorie ones (which I still have usually 1 per day). I think I can safely say I have reduced my calorie intake by thousands per week, which is all gravy baby!

It is proof that all I have accomplished so far is the cessation of weight gain... I will need to do more than cutting out the comfort food if I want to actually lose the 4.5 stone I need to. But it is a good start and I have proved to myself that I can maintain my weight with normal eating.

I just now have to work on a program, a realistic program, to increase my exercise to help shift the poundage I am carrying around.

Signing Off.

First Singing Lesson

I attended my first singing lesson today and I didn't back out of it at the last minute. It took a bit of composure as I ding donged the bell, but it was all okay in the end. Why on earth does human nature worry so much about being judged? It is so debilitating! Anyhoooo, I digress.

I had a good chat with Jonathan, my tutor, and we discussed all sorts of things about music, my history, my feelings about it, what I was interested in and so forth. We did some exercises and I even sang a few songs!

He said I have potential so that's a bit of a relief! I can actually hit the notes fine when I think about it, but it is a different story when singing a song as there are so many other things to think about. My breathing is the first thing to work on.

I've got my first lesson under my belt and I hope to have many more over the next few months. I came away feeling quite pleased with myself and blurted it all out to Matthew when I got home.

I know I am rubbish at the moment, but potential means it can get better, so I am looking forward to that.

So, phew! I did it, sung it and now looking forward to practicing. I'll be working on my task of learning to sing 2 songs really well over the next few months and will keep you apprised of my progress.

Signing off.

Pre-Singing Lessons Recording

Oh........My............Word!!!!! I have just completed a recording of me singing away to my favourite album (Mammia Mia) and listened to myself afterwards. And all that is going through my head right now is Oh My Word/Life/Goodness... (fill in the blanks)....! It is probably better put by saying that the money I will be spending on my singing lessons will be money well spent indeed.

Gone are those halcyon days when I thought I was just a little rustier than Celine Dion and Whitney. I guess when it comes to building confidence, there is no better place to start than from the bottom and I think that is what I have just hit, firmly with my arse. Was it a mistake to listen to myself? Um... no, probably not. It's true that I have shattered quite a lot of the little confidence I had, but it is also true that I am now in a better position to work on my voice, knowing full well that I am rubbish. It can only get better and at least I don't have to suffer the humiliation of being told by my tutor that I am rubbish and not understand why he said it.

I have my first singing lesson tomorrow and I will attend this with the knowledge that I truly, truly suck, and that it will take a lot of hard work and probably quite a lot more humiliation before I get what I desire - a singing voice which I can be proud of.

Having said all that, I could detect what we could call 'potential'. There was the odd note or line where I actually sounded ok. But I mostly sounded awful to say the least. I know they say nobody ever likes listening to themself, but once I had got over that, I was just listening to something which was cringeworthy. I generally hit most of the right notes and I can carry a melody (if I don't try too hard or too little) but when I got it wrong, boy did I get it wrong. I have no idea how to control my voice and it sounded like I was shouting my way through nearly every song, even the soft ones. A right ear bashing!

Oh well, at least I know now and I have something to compare with once I have a few lessons under my belt. I intend to re-record myself singing the same songs in a few months time once I have put into practice what I learn and hopefully (so very hopefully) I will have improved. Or at least know where I have to put more effort in.

Oh woe is me.... I thought I could sing..... but I can't. Will it stop me from singing in the shower, car, kitchen, bedroom, everywhere I go?... Nope, probably not. I am just more determined than ever to attend my singing lessons and fix it!

Signing off.

Saturday 19th September - 14 Stone 8 Pounds

I am very pleased with this week's results.... although I have not lost any weight, I have not put any on. I have been away in the UK this week and have eaten all sorts of naughties like fish & chips and sticky buns... so I am pleased I haven't put anything on.

And it was really therapuetic to eat all those things which I miss in England. I was more than prepared to put on weight this week, but as it turned out, I didn't. So a little of what you like really doesn't harm you.

Signing off.

Saturday 12th September - 14 Stone 8 Pounds

Against all expectations, I have lost 1 pound this week. Last week was a bad week and I put on 2 pounds. I did really want to lose weight this week and I had every intention of eating very well at work. I went and bought my fruit for lunches and so forth and controlled the amount of the snack bars I bought. That was all very well for Monday, but then Tuesday was a public holiday and things went a bit awry from there. I ate a bit haphazardly from thereon as it put me off my stride a bit (it was the perfect day to eat marmalade toast and all things cozy as it was a bit drizzly). I had an SPCA fundraising meeting where they were dishing out pancakes, and a press conference for work where they provided lots of goodies like pastitzi and spring rolls..... lots of norties.

Anyhow, it seems that I made at least enough effort during the week to lose 1 pound, and so I am very pleased. Again it has shown me that I can eat quite normally without drastic food changes and portion changes in order to lose weight. I am not upset it is only 1 pound, as I firmly believe the weight should come off slowly as there is more chance it will stay off. If I shock my body into losing weight, it may be successful for a while, but not in the long term.

I visited the SPCA today (Sunday) to pop in and see the girls and say Hi (although I did go yesterday), and Tessie, one of the staff, said that I looked like I had lost weight. I replied that I had lost a little, but she said I looked good and then advised me to lose too much weight as it suited me the way I was. I always find it fascinating when people say things like that as they have not seen me thin, so how can they possible judge? But Tessie's comment shows me that she cares for me as I am, and not for what I look like. It may have been a throw away comment for Tessie, but it was a window into her heart which shows me that she sees past the external to the person inside. That always gives you a warm feeling and although I will not follow Tessie's advice (ie, not to lose weight), I will always remember Tessie's words. It's funny how the small things can make a difference.

Signing off.

Saturday 5th September - 14 Stone 9 Pounds

It is as I had thought - a bad week. I have put on 2 pounds this week :-( .

I have felt a bit away with the fairies this week and have not felt grounded or organised at all in everything, not just my eating. So I am not surprised I have put on. I am very disappointed, but not surprised. I will just have to buckle down and try and stay grounded this week.

I am cooking a big roast duck dinner for a few friends today so I think, as the old saying goes, 'I'll start my diet tomorrow'.

Oh well, I guess I can't always get it right...ho hum.

Signing off.

Face Photo

Here is this month's face shot of me. I've just had my hair cut so feeling a little pleased with myself, although now it is beginning to kick in as to how much hard work it is to keep it looking nice. I prefer the straight look to the birds nest look, so I have to get up about 20 minutes earlier each morning so I can straighten it.... oh well, it's worth it.

I went and bought my piece of make-up which I am rewarding myself with this week and I purchased some mascara. I think it is the very first mascara I have actually properly paid for in my life! I hate paying for make-up as I feel it is so expensive and the cosmetic companies really cash in on women's insecurities. I have always seemed to inherit make-up one way or another through the years and as I don't really use it that much, it lasts me years. I was an Avon lady for a while about 10 years ago and through my commission I built up a little store of make-up (so I wasn't really buying it) and I still have my eye-liner now, going strong, not running out yet. My mascara, however, had died a dry and sticky death, hence the reason for the new purchase this week.

I have a feeling that my weigh-in tomorrow is not going to be all that good as I haven't really gotten into the flow of things this week. It feels like I have been eating all over the place in a random rather than orderly way and I'm not convinced I will have lost any weight, I may have even put some on. We shall see tomorrow I guess.

Signing off.

Saturday 29th August - 14 Stone 7 Pounds - BMI: 33.8

Hurray! I have lost 2 pounds this week. Phew!, I was beginning to think I would never lose any weight.

I have tried a bit harder this week with my eating at work, and had a couple of days where I have had fruit salads for lunch rather than anything with carbs in, and it seems to have done the trick. I have eaten pretty normally otherwise - I even had a Burger King and a big pizza this week. If I can work hard at my day time eating, then it would seem everything else can be pretty normal, which is a nice feeling.

I still haven't bought that pedometer but still intend to do so. Buying things in Malta is a bit difficult for me as by the time I have finished work on a weekday, the shops are closing, and my Saturdays are mostly taken up with SPCA and grocery shopping. But my excuses are not really acceptable as with most things in life, it just takes a little more effort and the jobs done.

I had a bit of a low point this week and so to learn I have lost 2 pounds this week has really cheered me up. My low point was when I went to have my hair cut. I rarely cut my hair (last time I did it was in mid December 2008), but when I do go, I like to go to a nice salon and get it done well. This time I was having my hair cut into a bob and so nothing really fancy, but I was really looking forward to it. The reason I felt low was because I was jettisoned into a world of glamour and, as it happened, lots of beautiful, skinny people. To make matters worse I was put in front of a full length mirror which, as I was sat so close to it, made me look like an ugly ogre. I felt ugly and fat for most of the time I was there, which was a shame as I was there to be pampered and have just Me time. The hairdressers were very pleasant and I was treated with the utmost respect and politeness, even receiving nice compliments on the 'new do'. I enjoyed having my hair cut, and am pleased with the new do and it has boosted my confidence a bit. But for the time I was there, in that salon, I felt awful. My insecurities eating away at me, seeing how different I looked in comparison to everyone else. But these are all part and parcel of having low self esteem, and I am not surprised. So it was really nice this morning when I weighed myself and I was 2 pounds closer to my goal.

My tasks now are to put €10 in the Little Monkeys Money jar and to purchase another piece of make-up, which I will hopefully do during the week.

So I will hold my head high this week, with a new hair do and new makeup, 2 pounds lighter and feeling like I can achieve my goal.

Signing off.

Saturday 22nd August - 14 Stone, 9 Pounds

Again, I have not lost any weight this week. This second week of maintaining my weight has shown me three things. Firstly, that I can maintain my weight without putting weight on (and I haven't been really really dietish these last two weeks), secondly, that I need to start shedding the psychological weight before I can really concentrate on losing the physical weight, and thirdly, that I will probably have to start exercising (boo hoo).

I am pleased that I have managed to maintain my weight over the last couple of weeks as I have not been particularly strict with my diet. I have cut out all the crap I used to eat, but have still had snacks, the odd chocolate bar etc.. and Matthew cooked a lovely dinner of pie and veg, with chocolate brownies and butterscotch angel delight for pudding. So I would say I have eaten normally for the last couple of weeks and maintained the weight. That bodes well for the future when I stop monitoring my weight.

In terms of the psychological weight, I have enlisted the help of a psychotherapist. Elaine will help me identify the reasons why I turn to food and how I can replace eating with more constructive ways of dealing with the urge to do something. I am taking this whole weight thing very seriously and felt it necessary to approach it holistically, therefore addressing every aspect of it. Together with Elaine I will hopefully sort out my head and deal with a few things which could be the cause of my comfort eating. Once the psychological weight drops, it should pave the way for more motivation to lose the physical weight.

The thought of exercising right now is not a particularly pleasant one. The heat during the summer here is really quite difficult to exist in, let alone exercise in. Being this overweight obviously has its disadvantages as it difficult to exercise full stop, regardless of the temperature. All things added up, there is not a lot of motivation to exercise during the summer. For me anyway. However, nobody said this was going to be easy and I will have to push myself to do this. I doubt I will become an exercise freak overnight and so I will start myself off gently. I am yet to buy my pedometer to record my steps and I think I should make this a priority now. Once I am focused on my steps during the day I can motivate myself to increase the steps and then start doing proper exercise.

Signing off.

Money Jar and Make-up

I am a little behind with the rewards and tasks as I should have got myself a money tin and put €25 in it because I lost 5 pounds during the first week (as it is one of my tasks). I also should have bought myself those 2 bits of make-up as my reward. I had intended on doing that on a week to week basis so I wouldn't get behind... good start! But I am only 1 week behind and as I didn't lose any weight in the 2nd week, I have had a chance to catch up.

So today, I have been out and bought myself a money jar to keep my euros in whenever I lose a pound of weight, and I have also been and bought my two bits of make-up.

Money Jar

I wanted to get myself the type of money tin which was totally sealed, either like the old piggy banks which you had to break open with a hammer, or like the more modern version of a tin which you can open with a tin-opener. I have managed to find a jar which is like a piggy bank and will need to be smashed open with a hammer eventually (October 2010) and as I think it is really rather cute, I have decided to post a picture of it. I think it is fitting (although I think it is probably designed for an impish lad). Here is the photo. I have put €25 into it now so I have caught up with my task for the first week.

Make-Up

I decided I needed a new make-up bag and thought it would be a good idea for that to be my first piece of make-up. I have managed to get a good deal as the make-up bag I have chosen comes with 2 things inside, but I am still counting it as one piece ;-). The bag came with a nice hand cream and a nail buffer and was only €10 in total... bargain. Here it is for all to see.

For my second piece of make-up I have bought a lipstick from The Body Shop. I like their make-up range and this was in the sale bin for only €4.50... another bargain! So I feel I have not done too badly with my rewards and it does feel good to go out and treat myself like this.


On getting my prizes home I was eager to open them up and look at them, and Sophie (my chihuahua) seemed equally excited - a girl through and through. I then realised that perhaps it wasn't the fact that she was enjoying the girlie excitement, but rather her new diet was taking its toll on her as she was avidly trying to eat my new lipstick... poor Sophie (she isn't fat, she's just big boned).
Signing off.

Saturday 15th August - 14 Stone 9 Pounds

I haven't lost any weight this week, but also haven't gained any. I am a little disappointed but totally not surprised. I have had quite a stressful week with one thing or another and my eating has suffered a little. I haven't been eating all the usual crap I used to eat, but have had probably a bit more than I should have of the lower calorie things (which kinda cancels it all out!). It is also 'that time of the month' with yesterday being totally horrible and so I am probably retaining some water also. At least that is what I am telling myself!

One thing I have observed this week is my reaction to stress and what food seems to do for me. A particular day at work was quite manic running around trying to do lots of things at once. Lots of IT issues and trying to look at everyone's PC and so on, including trying to do some work of my own. It was just one of those days where you don't sit down for more than 5 minutes at a time until the panic is over. When I did sit down to concentrate on getting some work done, I found the need to eat was really prominent. My head felt like it was still running around and I wanted to eat something to calm me down, focus on what I needed to do and get on with it.

After thinking about this for a little while I have tried to work out what the actual eating does for me to successfully calm me down and make me focus. At the moment, what I have come up with is that the process of sitting down and eating something takes my mind away from the skittish running around, and also stops me for a few minutes physically. It is a forced break so to speak. My challenge will be to try and accomplish to same calming down and focus without food. I may think about doing some short meditation in my head to try and calm and focus my mind, but it will be a bit of trial and error to begin with to see what will work for me as successfully as food.

Signing out.

August Painting

One of my tasks is to paint a picture each month. I set myself this task as I am interested in painting and I had asked for a painting set for Christmas, which my bro so kindly gifted to me. The paints have only been out once since Christmas just because I have not been disciplined enough to actually get them out and enjoy myself with them. By making it a task it will motivate me to do some painting.

I have now painted my picture for this month, and I have decided to open myself up for critism and post the paintings on the blog. My painting is very childlike and shows my inexperience and lack of skill, but it is an expression of myself which nobody can ever criticize. I am neither proud nor ashamed of this particular painting, it just kind of happened. I hope you are able to enjoy it.

Saturday 8th Aug 2009 Weigh-in - Weight: 14 stone 9 pounds BMI: 32.6

I am very pleased with the results of the first week's weigh-in. I have lost 5 pounds of weight which is a nice start. I know I will not be able to maintain that kind of weight loss, but it certainly boosts the motivation in the first week or so. I now need to get myself one of those money tins which you can't open without a tin opener and put away €25 - €5 for each pound lost as my tasks dictate. I also need to go out and buy myself 2 pieces of make-up as one of my rewards is a piece of make-up for every 2 pounds lost.

The worst thing about this week has been the increased gas production. There have been days when I have missed the 4.30pm snack and have paid dearly for it. I am also eating more fruit so that also has its own side effects. All in all, I have felt really rather uncomfortable most of the week due to trapped wind. Carbs and sugars do have their benefits after all - no wind production.

One bonus this week was the discovery of the slim-fast chocolate peanut bar. It is only 99 calories, but the best thing about it is that it tastes just like a star bar! Fantastic! It's hard to get star bars over here and they are probably 3 times more calorific anyway. I'm not quitting chocolate altogether but rather reduce my intake, and so these little slim-fast bars will be perfect for me.

Another bonus this week was the discovery of marmite flavoured rice cakes. I am not a fan of rice cakes as they are tastless and boring, but these ones taste just like twiglets and are low in everything! So they are tasty and not too bad for me at the same time.

It just goes to show that dieting food has moved on in recent years - when I used to diet, the 'healthy' food section was always full of boring, tasteless, fibre filled stuff which made me want to run back into the sweet shop straight away. Now, I have discovered 2 things which are tasty and low(er) in fat than my usual favourites.

I am giving myself a virtual pat on the back for losing 5 pounds this week (without any additional exercise) and for finding 2 new dieting products to help me on my merry way. My next challenge is to find a way to stop all this blasted wind!

Singing Lessons

One of my tasks is to learn to sing 2 songs really well. I do not have much trust in my own ability to judge my singing voice (of course I can sing like Celine Dion!). I have therefore decided to engage the services of a Maestro and have booked in for singing lessons. They start in September. I have been wanting singing lessons for yonks, but never had the courage; I also never knew where to find them. Then one day a couple of weeks ago, I noticed a flyer in my mailbox (which is unusual as I normally throw away anything remotely junkmailish) advertising music and singing lessons by a UK Maestro. I decided the time had come. It would seem that this is another 'time has come' moment for me and with butterflies in my stomach I booked the classes.

I love singing and sing along quite loudly to my favourite songs, but I have no real clue how to sing properly, how to breathe, how to do loud and soft, the vibrato (spelling?!) etc.. All I can do is your average shower time singing.

I am looking forward to the singing lessons, and even though I have some nerves about it, I feel it is the right time to get on with it. I even warned the Maestro that I was a beginner, and had awful nerves and lack of confidence about singing publically. He has assured me that it is very common and also a very quick thing to overcome. I will take his word for it.

So hopefully, after a few months of singing lessons with the Maestro, I will be able to complete my task of learning to sing 2 songs really well.

BMI Chart

My goal is to be a size 14 in just over a year's time. I am not really too bothered about what weight I actually end up - I just want to look and feel a whole lot better. But I will be tracking my progress through the BMI chart (Body Mass Index) to keep an eye on my weight for the health reasons. At the moment I fall into the range of 'Obese', I then have to travel my way through the 'Overweight' section before arriving at 'OK'. As I am 5 foot 5 inches, I need to reach 12.5 stone before going into the next phase, and then I have to reach 10.5 stone to become 'OK'. This index is all about the health implications for you - it works out how heavy you should be for your height.

As you will see by my profile picture at the top, I have the Obese banner flying. When I reach 12.5 stone, I will change it to the Overweight banner and so on. So at least there will be a little visual track of how well I'm doing. It will take a while to get to each benchmark, but then at least it will feel like I have really accomplished something! Here is the BMI chart for reference.

Easing into it, but feeling hampered by stress

I am on day 3 and although I feel I am slowly easing into it all, the last couple of days have been a bit hard. One of the reasons I eat is as a reaction to stress, and the last couple of days have had their stress points! Yesterday I received the sad news that Uncle Bill died. This was sad news indeed. The desire to pop to the shop to buy some comfort food started to rear its head. I then had a slight misunderstanding about my transport to my evening SPCA event which almost had me in hysterics as I thought I was going to be late....(I'm probably banned from calling our local taxi service now!) However, once I was at the event, I was far too busy to think about eating comfort food.

Today I have been quite stressed at work. I am in a flux situation where I have the benefit of a new member of staff to assist me with my workload, but the initial training actually puts me backwards and causes a bit more stress, albeit on a temporary basis. The days at work will be hardest as that is when I most want to eat. However, I was a good girl and didn't eat junk food (I purposely didn't buy any) and stuck to my bananas and coconut yoghurt.

Part of problem with my system is that I am a grazer (as my Pop says), meaning I need to eat all day, but small portions. This doesn't encourage sticking to 3 meals a day so I have to decide what will work best for me. My body asks for food every 3 hours, and if I ignore the request, it takes revenge by producing a large amount of gas. For anybody who knows me well, this wont come as any surprise at all. However, I combat excessive wind by eating every 3 hours, and this usually does the trick. So, another challenge is to work out what to fill the gaps inbetween meals with. So far today, I had a banana at 10.30am but then didn't eat anything at 4.30pm. I am now waiting for my steamed veggies to cook and I am absolutely starving (not to mention full of wind as I missed the 4.30pm snack).

Oh the joys of listening to one's body and learning to fulfill its needs, rather than desires. I guess I will have to treat it like a child - 'I wants, don't get' as the old saying goes.

First Day – 15 Stone exactly

Today is the start of my challenge and the recording of it on this blog. I plan to write about my temptations, my problems with being overweight, keep track of my weight loss and BMI (Body Mass Index) figure. As today is a Saturday, I will weigh myself every Saturday morning and record any weight loss/gains and so forth. I am looking forward to this challenge, which is more of a challenge to change my attitude to food and eating rather than a diet. In fact, if anyone asks me, I will say I am not dieting – I will just try and eat normally.

One of my tasks is to take a photo of my face on the first day of each month and post it on this blog. So here is the first one. Please be kind as I was extremely tired and hot when this was taken!

I feel today has been a good start. I volunteer on a Saturday at the SPCA here in Malta and I often take goodies in to treat the staff (as they need looking after too) and I usually partake in the goodies myself (chocolate, biscuits, pringles etc). However, today I did not take anything in with me and I have stuck to my meals of the day rather than eating all day (as it is so easy to do at the weekend).

So raise your glass of water to the first day of the challenge!

A New Beginning

I am excited about starting this journey, as well as very apprehensive. The rewards in store for me are great, but the journey to get there will be arduous, depressing and most challenging. I am excited about keeping this blog as a record of my journey and hopefully this will be my motivation and friend along the way. Writing down your feelings is very cathartic and can only ease the suffering I will inevitably face when denying myself against the 100th chocolate bar craving in a day.

For those who believe that losing weight is a simple calculation of burning more calories than you consume, I challenge you to reassess your thoughts. I would venture to say that people of that opinion have never had to battle the bulge for any significant time, if at all. Losing weight is not just a physical thing. You have to lose weight psychologically too. The weight of the burdens you carry, the weight of those reasons why you are the size you are. There is always a reason for your weight (whether it plus or minus size).

So I will be looking, probably for the first time, for the reason I am the weight I am. Once I find it, I will square up to it, study it, question it and try and process it and put it in the 'explained and dealt with' filing cabinet in my mind, rather than the x-files cabinet. Losing that psychological weight will pave the way for physical weight loss and ultimate success. I will be working on both issues simultaneously so they can work hand in hand towards my goal.

You will see that the goals and tasks I have set are not diet/exercise orientated. I know myself better than that. Setting a task of going swimming once a week, or 20 minutes on the exercise bike everyday just wouldn't work for me. I would be setting myself up for a fall (been there, done that, got the grazes). I am not setting myself strict rules to follow for diet and exercise. Life changes and rigid diet and exercise regimes just fall by the way side but pile on guilt and feelings of failure. I have given myself a good long period of time to lose the weight as there may be times when my weight fluctuates like Christmas. I am not interested in crash dieting, or being obsessed with dieting. This whole journey is more about changing my attitude towards food, changing my reliance on it.

I intend to be open and honest about my feelings and what I find in the deep recesses of Me, and as I lay myself open and vulnerable, I hope you find interest and inspiration in at least some of my words. That would be a great bonus indeed. I would be interested to read all comments, so please feel free to share.

Here's to a new beginning...take my hand.